Oprah Winfrey or Ms Winfrey is more than a media mogul, is a fantastic idol that changed many persons lives, inclusively me when I was pregnant for my second child and found myself isolated as the people around me had nothing in common with me and were negative to me.
At the time I really enjoyed Oprah Winfrey book club and Judge Judy, preferring Oprah Winfrey book club and other talk shows. When the show was over I use to look for more on Youtube because I really enjoyed the conversations . Their dad preferred Judge Judy, comedians like Eddie Murphy and that other one who use to visit Epstein island - can't recall his name.
Though I watched the comedy sessions and we had many good laughs I felt sometimes Eddie Murphy in particular was very , and sadly , insulting in terms of jokes and derogatory use of racial names.
Oprah was different and brought together people from everywhere, all races who enjoyed books and a certain lifestyle, the lifestyle I aspired but struggled with their dad weight on me in terms of cleaning as he messed the place a lot and the fact that he wanted to degrade and control our existence, mine and the kids.
For example, he would refuse to buy food, make a lot of mess, eat his children's food when bought with my money , refuse to share his take-aways with his son, refuse to put nappies on his son who was autistic, tiny tot defecating around the house - truly disgusting. Refused to buy white goods, my parents had to buy washing machine etc which he still using today, my parents also gave the deposit to the house with garden which he is still living in today and which he refused to leave when we separated and bullied me out with sexual harassment after we were already separated but living in the same house.
I had left the house before when I was at university doing a second degree which I did not succeed as their dad would not turn up to collect my son to drop him at nursery and when I use to get home to change to go to hospital placement I also found him sleeping with our son instead of dropping the kid to nursery so I could collect him later at 6 when my shift at the hospital would finish.
When I left the house the first time as separated I stayed in a private house but I found it hard the pressure put by my mom to get a guy and get married and she was adamant I should get a step dad asap to look after my son. The idea did not please me as I never had a step dad so would not know what the relation entails or how the children would feel if not loved.
I rented the house from a young Indian man who on the day I was to move was in the house with a young teenager woman. Was bizarre and when I gathered her stuff and asked him to collect it as they left in a hurry, he told me that the rest of the stuff was from two Spanish nurses, previous tenants who went back to Spain.
Was strange as when I visited the house the house was empty but when I moved there was stuff and letters arriving for two Spanish nurses who he said were previous tenants. At the time I had no idea that when Asians , Africans and Brazilians move to Europe with fake passports and fake European names, they, on the line of the mafia of fake passports policy , have to get a fake address where all the post goes.
My mother was the one who told me and then we started returning the post . Their dad's solicitor in Bristol, a Pakistani solicitor, started ringing me informing me that because I have left their dad I was doing fraud as I was his immigration sponsor, and I would go to jail if we were not living in the same address as a family and even for the kid we could work it out.
My initial thought was to cancel his visa but I told my parents who told me to share the house with him until I could get rid of him, because he used me for a visa and after he gets the visa he will drop the bone so as to speak.
When he moved in, he started complaining that the house was too big, too far and on the day of paying the rent he would not pay and all my bursary money would go to the rent. I would pay for nursery and he would not take the kids, so nothing changed in his behaviour.
I felt more protected as during the weeks before he moved in the landlord would constantly come in with other four Indian men to collect the Spanish nurses mail and to do certificates like gas and electricity as he had failed them all or something like that.
These 30s something men use to speak Indian between themselves and dress in Next clothes so I thought that they were decent people, I thought this until the Indian landlord was knocking on the door when I was on the phone and the Indian wife came out of the car and knocked the door very gently and called my name and went back to the car.
Was strange that a young Indian man would be married and be having an affair with a white girl half his age or even if the situation was other and she was not half his age, I felt that he was a bad person. People who cheat are very despicable, treacherous and double faced - to me at least.
One year later I would find out that their dad was cheating on me as well with more than one woman , but I could not prove it because when the women calling would not confirm , so I started being polite, " Call later he is in the shower.", " Call later he is in sleeping.". Must say however that their dad started asking me to answer the mobile phone to say that to the women calling when he wanted to get rid of them.
Such was the ridiculously sad situation of being in a relationship with their dad.
When my son got his second meningitis injection he got sick and started behaving like an autistic. I felt lost and thought what would be of him without a brother or sister, someone who genuinely loved him no matter what and under any circumstances. David came along and was born out of a cold calculated plan to add a brother to a primogenitor son who would need one for the rest of his life.
My mom's visits became more regular and she and my dad had talked to several African women in Buckinghamshire who were reporting cases of babies dying at birth , babies dying in the first months of birth and she and my dad told me straight away that he would not help me during the childbirth.
He was panicking when our eldest was born but that was the old he as he changed when he got 'stay extended' stay as my partner.
On the day of the birth he was horrible, even asked me to leave the living room as I was disturbing him, he refused to call a taxi or to pay for one or to take me to hospital, instead told me to call the ambulance, which was at the time stopped by authorities as Africans were doing it very frequently to save themselves from getting out of bed and helping their wives. This was very bad as was taking the emergency service from people who were in a situation which was not predictable like pregnancy and birth are predictable to the patient and support services available locally to meet users health needs.
That night I was going to die! Fortunately my parents had predicted this behaviour on his part and had hidden money under Emmanuel cot mattress so I could use it as all the money I had was always to cover bills , if he knew I had money he would stop paying or contributing to something - was horrible, a tremendous financial abuse who was also racial sometimes as he would insult my race and say mixed race were crackers as I had face wrinkles already but Obama was one of them ! Whatever that means!
During the birth ,- a very difficult birth!-, I recalled when my son was in my tummy for the first months and the doctor could not hear him and the tests were coming as "not pregnant" until she felt something in my tubes and asked for a blood test. By the time the tests came I had already taken a scan that determined that the pregnancy was "now slightly ectopic" .
The doctor told me I should abort the baby as would cost me and the baby's life. The dad started going to the appointments without being invited and preaching about God and about how any child was welcome. During the visits he would always engage with conversations with the white single mothers.
As his ex girlfriend for four years Julie, mother of three white boys, was white British, and she kept calling for all the time we were together , I started paying attention to how quickly women would talk to him and ignore my comments or questions. Women would also talk bad about their exes to him and other topics that would be more appropriate with me, a woman. Considering he was African I thought well, now that is strange, maybe they feel sorry because he is a foreigner -and they JUST feel sorry! I felt sorry myself until one day I was trying to get to the house and a car was parked in our entrance. I knocked a lot and then went to the window in front of our living room to take a pick inside.
As I am looking from the outside at our empty living room, a young white woman carrying her clothes in her hands and wearing only knickers - no bra!- runs towards he car and jets off the driving area where our Polish neighbours usually parked their car.
I was so heavily pregnant that I got into the house and sat staring at him. There was no words, my shock was beyond beggars belief, I thought why did she not get dressed? She was younger and petite and ran with her clothes on her hands, I mean she thought I would do something to him? I wish she would have taken him out of my sight in her car boot, he was that dispensable! He looked at me and said "Sorry I was sleeping!".
My cousin Dilva had also caught her partner with a woman in bed and she beat the woman up. I would never do that. I was shocked at how really must be a difficult effort for him to be with me because there was never shortage of phone calls and of him sleeping during the day when off work. He really neds his stay in the country, so help him God!
Same God I called when I convinced myself that nothing but God would get me out of that maternity suit alive. I felt I was dying! After a first pregnancy with a way painless ( yet very painful) birth, I knew that this was a difficult period of my life, one that would not get out alive just by luck! This second birth was painful , draining and God must have seen me very near him as I felt my time was up as the pain became more and more unbearable.
When the baby was born I went straight home that morning as I had Emmanuel at home. Arriving home there was poo on the floor which was dry, once again he had forgotten to put the pull ups nappies on our toddler. Later in life I would confirm that that was not normal as with my youngest by 12 months he was using the toilet and was out of nappies.
I was not made to live like this, with filth, also later in life I found myself in London with neighbours who also don't clean our shared space and mess up my stairs and this is also something that disturbs me as I understand clutter or stuff and no space to live ,- London urbanity!- , but I don't understand making mess for others to clean or don't giving a damn.
What I could not understand in the relationship I was in , I understood watching Oprah and how many guests had been in my situation and got out alive. The toxic relation was made worst as their dad already separated with me wanted to have sex with me as to him I was his partner.
I was not like that , my coldness and personality made me different, I was not interested in him, he was not someone I wanted to have anything after the psychological, emotional, financial and verbal abuse.. He started harassing me in a way that was unbearable with the adding of the financial abuse, verbal , emotional and psychological abuse and threats to physical assault me which I told him only one of us would get out alive and would not be him.
Having fought many boys in my life and having high levels of testosterone made me very physically capable and violent, to the point when I was jumped at by three Somali girls , kicked badly by them and a Jamaican, I stood up and kicked boxed the three and one collapsed. The moment that Somali collapsed I thought why am I fighting this scum? I was working in a law office and they stole money, I wanted the money back but the Jamaican woman who should be on my side as she worked there, felt I should not be beating them as I was mixed race and when they jumped on me she did nothing as I was mixed race. I was rather shocked as I thought she was mixed race but in Jamaica they have mixed race light skinned who resemble blacks as they descend from Indian blacks ( called Holy people in India, Rastafarians in Jamaica) but they hate people like me as I have white blood and I am from Africa, so no matter what, they might look like me, have my skin tone and look curled hair but they are taught to hate me. White people okay but people like me no. They even hate more Africans which they feel should be like monkeys climbing trees without right to living in cities or right to have a job , house, family life, etc.
Yet I did not use physical force as I am a decent honest loving person who calls the police at any occasion that proves necessary. His abuse and sexual demands were met by me calling the police and Women Aid . Women Aid outreach workers started calling me non-stop and I was lucky to move to Aylesbury Women Aid for a few nights until my mom and my brother started calling me to go back home as the Portuguese consulate social worker told them that British social services take the children from women who are seeking refuge in women refuges like the Women Aid.
That is not the case . At the time with BABY P death , social services were taking more kids but according to my key worker at the second women refuge it was because when the women get to Women Aid they already have a care order.
When I returned home because of pressure by my family I was very nervous as I had cancelled his visa application already and my life was really at risk; when I came back home as I had no idea if he would do something to me as I had already called the police for him on two occasions and would do it for more.
When I went back home , we were living in separate rooms and he started harassing me again that we were partners ,we should marry ( he had booked Church marriage in the past as we use to go to church for many years every Sunday but my mother hated him and said never ever do it as he will have juridical power over me, bla bla bla') ., we should have sex etc.
I was adamant this was running me mad. His culture was not mine, to my shock in one occasion our eldest son woke up and he was on top of me ( missionary as we only use to do that and no oral sex on both parties) and he kept going , and though for maybe two minutes I was shocked and felt that there is no understanding possible between us then or in the future. I asked him to stop and get off and instead he turned to our eldest, then a tiny tot, and said " You can see how much I love your mom!", then turned to me, " See let him see, how much I love his mom!"
This might be okay in BET or any other Afro American urban tv channel but is not normal, to me as it is not my cultural background and even when I hear black comedians , singers and entertainers talking in the black community media channels how this accidents happen frequently to them and are common especially when involving parents who work in shifts like he did, I felt this was difunctional and degrading to the most!
Even with a young toddler who would not have any future recollection of this sad degrading episode. Saint God I left!
That night the Women Aid outreach worker called me.
Next day, he before leaving to work stated he wanted me to get ready to have sex as we were a family , I was his wife ( we were living partners but he referred to me as partner) and I looked at him ready to say " No I am not , we are separated !" and I just looked at him without any thought , just with a blank stare. The sight itself took me of any thought.
I left that night to Women Aid number two, that or get raped! Rape does not need to be aggressive, even imposition in a relationship and sex pestering and touch is rape, is damaging!
The ad they made for black youth about rape was found with indignation by white women who said at the time white men are worst.
To my understanding if the relationship is over , is over, you can't pretend to conquer and damage. Saint God is a crime! I learnt in Oprah talk shows that I have the right to protect myself in my situation as a partner, and that I can speak about it and be with people like me , who have a certain lifestyle, their homes in a certain way, who enjoy reading or doing creative things in the evening and not sitting discussing or attacking, abusing family members and partners, and all he did was talk bad of my family or criticise his son who was autistic! Not to mention starving us, mistreating us, and making mess to make our lives impossible! People who relate with him daily think and feel he is a great guy, the best guy ever and that is their choice!
Years later when I started receiving invitations to watch Oprah zoom sessions I was so proud of myself as from those afternoons watching her from a sordid cold place with no way out, I was now in homely warm family home which the kids and I could say there was peace, food, love, and so much hope for the future, we were safe!
Here is a bit of a video of me debating with a friend while we were watching Oprah interview with frontline activists. This is a bit of the video of Oprah Zoom .
Maybe is out of ignorance and European cultural background, but I feel that voters id should be required . However, note that is is considered part of the voter suppression package. My friend and I no longer talk as she feels only people with incomes over 100,00 should vote and have power of deciding who will be elected to tax the rich more and more .
Regarding voter suppression in the terms of having an ID , as mentioned above , I would not be able to comment positively . I asked my mom, a retired teacher and she told me many of her students on A levels had no id because the parents would not deal with their status or the dad would refuse or just vanish after getting stay - this is the same part of the debate in the US.
However, I still feel that having an ID or permission to live in the country is the safest way to avoid voter fraud but who am I to say that, I am just a happy mother of two boys!
Ariane
